Skip to main content

HAWMC Day 10: A Letter to 16 Year Old Maggie

Dear 16 Year Old Maggie,

Here's what I want to say to you... I know you think you've got it all figured out right now. You're going to go to college for Musical Theater. You're going to move to New York. You're going to be the next Bob Fosse. You've got the biography and the bowler hat to guide you. You're ready. I know. You have everything figured out. You love having everything figured out. I get it. I love it too.

The thing you don't realize yet is that things change. You change. And here's what you have to keep in mind: it really is okay not to have it all figured out. This is not an easy concept. I'm still having a really hard time with it, but it's true, okay? Trust me.

Because, Young Maggie, (haha, you now have your rapper name. You're welcome.) life is about to throw you a curve ball. Your body is about to flip out on you, and it's going to be scary and really hard. I'm far too much of a Doctor Who fan to tell you too many spoilers, but I'll tell you that there will be lots of crying and lots of pain. It's going to suck sometimes. But I will also say that you are going to get through it. That whole having a plan thing works in your favor here, because you'll be far too focused on achieving your goals to let anything get in your way. Just remember to let yourself off the hook sometimes. Do your best and let everything else go.

The problem here, Young Maggie, is that I know you well enough to know that you will not listen to a thing I am trying to tell you, no matter how hard-learned or sound my advice may be. You're going to do exactly what you've been planning to do your entire life until you figure these things out on your own. And honestly, I can't complain. It's working out alright so far. So go for it, dude. Work your ass off and don't let anyone tell you that you can't do everything you've planned.

Hang in there,
Your 23 Year Old Self

P.S.- Do me a solid and start incorporating some color into your wardrobe. The all black thing is boring and sincerely unflattering.


Comments

  1. "Do your best and let everything else go" Hmmmm, sounds like a quote from someone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah... Someone who probably said that to me a lot when I was 16. Too bad I didn't pay attention.

      Delete
  2. wow this made me cry.. i read it not just coming from someone with crohns but someone who just wants to get to were that aspired to go. And see's to it to use the determination they always had to get there. Using it as a propeller
    to get through

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Overwhelming Nuance - Dancing Crohn's Disease

Below is small segment of my Dance Studies Research Project, "Cripping Dance: Radical Representations of the Disabled Dancing Body." It's the bit I wrote about my own work, Overwhelming Nuance (excerpted below), which, as you will see, was inspired by the feelings of denial that so often accompany disease.  Nearly four years after I was diagnosed with Crohn's, it flared massively. Lost in the idea that "my disease will not define my life", I ignored for months the signs of the looming crash. This breakdown forced me to come to terms with the reality of my disease. I suddenly understood that the idea that the mind might overcome the body just supported the willful denial of my disease. After this experience, determined to force an openness about disease in my own life, I claimed disability as part of my identity and choreographed my own "crip" coming out.

Chronic Overshare

Every two weeks I take my Humira shot. No big deal. But, a couple days afterward the most wonderful thing happens. I poo. I mean, I take a dump . It's awesome. The thing is, I crap constantly. All the freaking time. Just not like this. This is one of those rare, deeply satisfying, glorious dumps. And I get to look forward to it every two weeks. It's a major source of joy in my life. And what's my immediate reaction every two weeks? What is the first thing I want to do as I saunter triumphantly from the bathroom? I want to tell people. I actively seek out someone to inform of the magnificent crap I just took. I'm genuinely disappointed if no one's around. My poor roommates.

There is no end. It's chronic.

Denial is a way of life for me. I’m not in pain. I didn’t get sick twice last night. I can make it through the day. I’ll be fine. I don’t need help. I could go without my medication today. I don’t need a doctor. I’m good. Today is going to be better. I'm fine. When does positivity turn into denial? Am I lying to myself when I think, “You can do it, just keep on going.”  Or am I just staying upbeat? Where is the line drawn? Call it mind over matter if you want. I’ve always felt uncomfortable with that expression. More than anything, I want a place where I can talk about my disease. No one talks. Denial is not just internal, it is forced on you. We all do it. When someone says, "It will just make you stronger in the end!" they negate and deny what I go through everyday. There is no end. It's chronic.  You blame me for my disease, blame me for letting it get this bad, when at every turn you are denying me a place to talk about it. How messed up is that? I'm starti...